Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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