It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
