I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
