My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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