It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
