I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
