And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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