I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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