i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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