yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
