Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize