Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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