9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
