My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
