as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize