For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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