Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize