and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
