In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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