And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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