You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
