Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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