We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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