some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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