Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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