How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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