...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i came on her dog
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
