Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
