Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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