I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize