I want to walk on stilts...naked
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
