thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
