I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
