YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
