Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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