I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize