why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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