I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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