The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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