I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
