I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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