you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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