Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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