I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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