i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
