Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
