Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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