Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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