I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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