Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
