bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
