I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have fence marks all over my body
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
