It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize