guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
