apparently the secret to your success is patron
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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