11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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