Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
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