I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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