Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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