New low: just hacked my moms facebook
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
