I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
